Why Hobbits should come with a health warning!
by MagicalRachel
Summary: A comedy with no real plot or relevence to the title - but quite amusing! My first ever fanfiction, and if that doesn't warn you, I don't know what will.
1. Default Chapter

Chapter 1 - Of Beginnings and my Random Ramblings

It was a beautiful day on Middle Earth, the sun was shining, Gimli the dwarf was singing, and Legolas the elf was washing his hair. Everything was as it should be, and nothing could disturb the peace they were experiencing on the hot winter's day. Nothing except.... 

"MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK!!!" The playful young hobbit had just hurled himself into the stream where Legolas was sat on the bank, soaking him with water, causing him to get Herbal Essences shampoo into his eyes. 

"What?!" Merry replied indignantly. "I'm just having a bit of fun We never have any fun on this quest anymore!" 

"Merry. We're trying to destroy the one ring of power and rid Middle Earth of all evil - it's not supposed to be fun," answered the now very wet elf as he pulled Merry out of the stream. 

"I know that, but seeing as we never even see the ring anymore, since that halfwit halfling Frodo got it stuck on his finger, we might as well make the most of - and enjoy, the sunshine!" and with that, Merry proceeded to attack the elf by (or so it appeared) wrestling with his knees. Although afterwards the hobbit stated that he was merely attempting to knock Legolas over so that he fell in the mud. Anyway... 

"Arrgghh!! What is it with hobbits?! They're so annoying. They drive you crazy with their incessant chattering and constant happiness," said the now thoroughly irritated Mr Greenleaf. 

"I like annoying you," said Merry, "Anyway you're so easy to wind up!" 

"Am not!" 

"Are too!" 

"Am not!" 

"Are too!" 

"Yeah... well at least I don't have hairy feet!" 

"At least my hair's not all girlie, and at least I'm not some dumb blonde!" 

"Don't even think about insulting the hair you, you..." 

"SILENCE!!!" 

Gandalf the all powerful wizard cried out to them. He was tired of their constant bickering. 'Every bloody day...' he thought, 'What's a wizard got to do to get a little peace around here?' 

"Arrggh!" he shouted out loud as something stamped on his foot. He looked around. No one was there. Then he looked down, remembering that four hobbits and a dwarf were in his party. Still no one. Then... 

"FRODO" he boomed. "You wait until Aragorn returns from Rivendell with the anti invisibility plant!" 'Also known as a rather potent form of pipeweed' he thought longingly. 'Ahhhh, that'd get me through the day!' 

Oh! Back to story! 

Anyway, the plant would make the eater able to see invisible people, so that they could see and catch Frodo and remove the ring. This was necessary because Frodo was rather enjoying his new found freedom and was unwilling to be assisted with the ring's removal. 'You can still see the teeth marks...' thought Gandalf. 

Gone off track again - now, where were we? 

Oh yes... Or at least that was what he had told the Fellowship! The truth was, that, being an extremely great and powerful wizard, he could already see Frodo - but he wasn't about to tell the others that when there was pipeweed on the way! 'Anyway,' he reasoned to himself, he couldn't see Frodo - at least not without his contact lenses in! 

Gandalf smiled to himself when he left Merry and Legolas and went to lie down under a tree. Soon, the sound of his snores could be heard as he drifted into a deep sleep... 

"Frodo," a voice whispered, "Psst, Frodo. He's asleep, you can take the ring off now." There was a loud 'pop' and Frodo Baggings appeared in the field. His hair was rumpled, and he looked in need of a good wash. 

"Frodo," said Sam Gamgee, "How long're you gonna keep this 'the ring's stuck and I can't get it off' lark up?" 

"Just until Strider gets back from Rivendell," said Frodo, "I just wanted a break from the serious stuff for a while. Anyway, you know it's not the real ring, it's just a cheap imitation I picked up from that joke shop in Bree." 

"Yes I know that, but -" 

"Sam - lighten up! The real ring is safe, we get a holiday, Gandalf gets his pipeweed, and Strider gets to go to Rivendell to spend a romantic weekend with Arwen!" 

"Ahh, you're right. Hey! What's going on over there?" 

They look over to the stream. After another bout of fighting with Merry (and Pippin this time) involving rather a lot of mud, Legolas had had to wash his hair again. The trouble was - 

"WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME THAT THERE WOULD BE NO ELECTRICITY ON THIS BLOODY QUEST??!!?" Legolas, normally so well spoken (well as prince of Mirkwood he had to be), screamed. "Huh?! Now I can't blow dry my hair, and it'll go all curly, and I'll... I'll look like..." he was really struggling to get his words out now, "I'll look like, like a hobbit for Christ's sake!!!" 

Legolas sank down on the ground and started to cry. The hobbits all went to see him and gave him hugs. 

"Cheer up elf boy," said Frodo, "It could be worse you know!" 

"Yeah," said Merry, "You could have hairy feet!" 

At this, Legolas started to cry harder. 

"We're sorry Legolas," said Pippin, "Here, have a beer," he continued, before pulling a six pack of Bud Light out of his pack. The others stared. 

"What?! I'm on a diet OK!" said Pippin defensively 

Legolas refused a beer, stating that it would ruin his flawless complexion, but the four hobbits (joined suddenly by Gimli at the mention of beer, but upon hearing the make he departed swiftly!) settled down for a meal and a rest. 

It was at this point that the hobbits realised that Legolas was no longer with them. In his place was a note, which read: 

_Dear Friends,_

_I apologise for the distress this may cause you, but I am afraid that I can no longer remain with you. I am deeply ashamed of myself. Do not expect to ever hear of me again._

_Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood._


	2. It's starting to make sense now

Disclaimer - I don't own any of the characters featured in this story (or any of the products etc. either!). If I did, I'd be one rich lady and certainly wouldn't be working at Boots - UK equivalent of Walgreens (?). However... I am responsible for some of the characters, let's just say, unusual, mannerisms! 

Chapter 2 - It's starting to look like there might be a plot now!

The four hobbits looked at each other in shock - Legolas had run away!!! Merry burst into tears, rocking back and forth while Pippin sat with his head in his hands. 

"It's all my fault," said Merry, "If I hadn't been fighting with him and upset him he wouldn't have gone!" 

"You can't say that Merry," said Frodo - looking as if he didn't believe a word of what he had just said. "We don't know why Leggy left - but what we do know is that we've got to look for him!" 

"Yeah, let's go," said Sam. They all got up and walked dejectedly around the field. After a very short and extremely inefficient search they sat back down and had another beer. 

"You see," said Pippin who now appeared to be more than a little tipsy, "There was a good reason for me to get Bud Light - it means I can drink twice as much and only get half as fat!" 

"Hmmmmm...... well that would work Master Peregrin - if you could hold your drink and not get twice as drunk!" said Sam, who had been a good little hobbit and just sat sipping water! 

"Whatever Sam!" Pippin answered. He was now jumping around doing a 'dance'. 

"Hey, what was that noise?" said Merry. 

"La la la la la..... Ba ba black sheep, have you any wool..... I'm a little teapot, short and stout!" 

"Pip! I'm serious what was that noise." 

The others cocked their heads to one side like puppy dogs and listened. Pippin just watched them and then collapsed to the floor in a pile of giggles! 

"I heard it too that time," said Frodo, "Let's go and investigate!" 

They found Legolas hunched up under a tree, with the hood of his cloak pulled up over his head. At the sight of the hobbits, he jumped up - still very lithely although obviously upset. 

"Oh Legolas!" said Merry running up to him and hugging his legs. "We thought you'd run away!!" 

"I did," said Legolas, gently prising his legs free before hopping on the spot to get the circulation going again. 

"Well what happened? You didn't exactly get very far did you?!" 

"Yeah Legolas, we thought you'd run away, and Merry thought it was all his fault, and then we had a drink, and then we found you, and then - well you didn't get very far did you?!!!!" said Pippin, dancing around and grinning like a loon. 

"What happened to him?" asked Legolas. 

"Well let's just say that Pippin drinks like a girl - if you take my meaning!!!" said Sam laughing. 

"Do not!" said Pippin. 

"Hang on, hang on. This is about me remember. I ran away, and you are very concerned and want to know about it!!!" 

"Ok," said Frodo, " Now where were we? Oh! You didn't exactly get very far did you?!" 

"Well the truth is...... I ummmm.... hwevgfywbbhgvgfghwvfh......" 

"You what????" said Frodo, "Do you have to mumble Leggy - I didn't understand a word of what you just said!" 

"I, ummmmm, said - I got a stone in my shoe, and when I tried to get it out I tripped up and twisted my ankle and then..... well I didn't want to go any further cos I was hungry and tired, and I decided that nasty curly hair wasn't so bad after all cos I missed you - and don't call me 'Leggy' hobbit boy!" 

"Yeah yeah, whatever...." said Frodo, "Did you say 'nasty curly hair'?" 

"Ooooh, let's see," said Pippin who now sounded miraculously sober again at the mention of a possibility of Legolas having nasty hair! 

Legolas removed his hood. His normally straight, flowing, pride and joy locks were gone. In place of them was, well, the only way to describe it was a blonde afro - reminiscent of that of Sam's favourite Spice Girl: Scary. 

Pippin screamed, terrified at the sight of an elf with an afro (he was drunk remember!), and legged it behind the nearest bush. At this, Legolas started to cry again. In fact, his sobs were so loud and distressing that Aragorn heard them on his way back from Rivendell. 

"How can I continue on this quest now?!!" said Legolas, "I wanted to and see the beautiful Lady Galadrial at Lothlorien if we ever made it that far..... but look at me - I'd scare her half to death!" 

"But look on the bright side Legless," said Pippin (still drunk), having ventured out again after deciding that Legolas hadn't been replaced by some evil beast, "You'd also scare the orcs to death and that could save us a lot of hassle on this journey! Hey maybe you'd even scare Frodo to death and then we could nick the ring and have a huge party with lots more beer! Or maybe - " 

"ENOUGH!" cried Gandalf who had arrived to see what the commotion was and act as the official peacemaker of the Fellowship. "Fool of a Took (sorry I had to!), you're supposed to make him feel better at times like this, not make the poor traumatised elf suicidal!" 

"You know...." said Sam, "I may have a solution for you. You see I figured that something like this would happen what with you being vain and blonde, so I brought some help....." The others looked on in bewilderment as Sam skipped over to his pack and rooted through it, throwing out item after item after item.... 

"Bottomless bag," said Gandalf proudly, "One of my favourite tricks!" 

Eventually he found what he was searching for. Sam turned to the others and held out - battery powered hair straighteners! 

"Sam, you're my hero - I love you!" (A/N - Not like that - this is NOT a slash!) 

Just as it seemed that everything was back to normal again, apart from Pippin's drunkenness of course, a panting figure approached the group. It was Aragorn, and he looked like he had been attempting to run a marathon in ten minutes. 

"What happened??? Orc attack? They didn't kill anyone on our side did they?? Oh God, it was the dwarf wasn't it?!! I knew I should never have left you, that something bad like this would happen. Damn Frodo and the stupid stuck ring! Hang on, Frodo's visible..... why the hell are you all looking at me like that?! Oh God, it was the dwarf wasn't it, and I was off with Arwen...." 

"Aragorn," said Merry, "Chill! There were no orcs - Gimli's fine. The screaming was Legolas. He umm... was having a bad hair day, and got upset!" 

"So I ran all this way for nothing?!" 

"Yeah." 

"Pretty much," said Sam. 

"Oh." Suddenly Aragorn jumped up. "Oh my God, I can't believe I almost forgot to tell you. Elrond sent word that Saruman has gone over to the other side!" 

"WHAT!!" said Boromir, who had magically appeared because I just realised I forgot to write him in yet. 

"Oh no," said Frodo, shocked, "Who's Saruman??? I knew we should have paid attention at that really boring council Elrond held, but I hadn't had any breakfast, and then it got called off after ten minutes because everyone had dozed off!" 

"Saruman's a wizard, even more powerful than Gandalf, and if he's gone over to the other side then we're in BIG trouble!" 

"Oh, is that all, I thought you were going to tell us something bad." 

"That is bad!" said Boromir, "It means that....." 

But what it meant Bormir didn't have time to tell the Fellowship, because there was suddenly a loud crash and all went dark. 

What happened to the Fellowship, what did Boromir have to say about Saruman, and is this the end of Legolas' bad hair days? Find out next chapter you fool!! 

A/N. What does anybody think? Do you have any ideas for a plot (seeing as it's rather lacking!)? Please review, review, review!!! They'll be a reward (well maybe not - I'm on minimum wage remember!) 


	3. What this has to do with anything, I'm n...

Chapter 3 - So that's what happens when....

Disclaimer - I still don't own any of the wonderful LotR characters (although I wish I owned Elijah Wood - mmmmm....), but I do own the rather bizarre storyline! 

Thank you for my one review so far! This chapter is dedicated to my reviewer and author of the fab "Pippin's Relations" - Rayne! You made me want to write more, and so not do my English Lit homework!! Oh well, on with the show! 

Just to add - since writing my disclaimer bit I have had 3 more reviews, so sorry Rayne but you now have to share the spotlight! 

Pippin woke with a blinding pain in his head. He opened his eyes and attempted to piece together the events before he had fallen unconscious. Something to do with alcohol, afros, and Boromir bringing bad news. Then..... what? Pippin scrunched up his eyes, trying to remember, but soon stopped because of his hangover. Arrgghh!!!! What was it??? He looked down at his hands and then the floor. There was blood everywhere. Hang on. Everywhere. Including on Pippin. He was bleeding. A lot. A whole lot. All he could remember then was the screaming..... 

"ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH" 'What the hell was that noise?' thought Merry / Frodo / Sam / the rest of the Fellowship, as they were woken suddenly from their dreams. 

'Restless dreams' thought Boromir (Yes he has a part in this chapter!), 'Unnerving dreams. But... about what. He knew they'd been attacked, and they'd fought a long and hard won battle, but what had happened after that. Something had made the orcs go away. Wait - it wasn't Legolas's hair was it?! After all he hadn't had chance to use Sam's straighteners yet! 'No.... something else. It can't have been that important or I would have remembered. But I don't. I just remember the screaming. Wait - the screaming'. That was what had woken him up. He gently eased himself into a sitting position and surveyed the scene. The Fellowship was fine. Bruised and battered, but fine. All except.... 

"Peregrin" Said Boromir. That was where the screaming was coming from. He made this assumption simply because Pippin was the only one who was bleeding. Ignoring the hammers in his head (he must have hit it when he fell) he stood up and rushed over to the hobbit. He needn't have hurried. Pippin was OK, sure he had a few nasty looking scratches and a bloody nose, but all of his limbs were attached and in tact. 

"Ow!" Boromir shouted out as he tripped over an orc head on the way to reach Pippin. 

"Boromir!" said Legolas, "Can you pipe down? I'm trying to get my beauty sleep! You don' want me to get lots of spots do you?" 

"Well actually that would be quite amusing...." said Boromir, cutting off because Legolas had just loaded his bow ready to shoot! 

"Oh my God, what happened to the midget?!" said Legolas, spotting the blood all over Pippin. Suddenly he didn't look too good. But then the green tinge on his face passed and he returned to normal. 

"He's OK, he's breathing, it's just a few scratches. Looks like he learned the hard way that hobbits are not built to attack orcs without a sword!" Boromir paused for a second then laughed, "Fool of a Took!" 

"We'd better get him cleaned up then," said Legales, "I'll go and wake Aragorn up. This is his domain now!" 

"Yes. I might be a brave and terrible warrior, but I'm no witch doctor!" 

"geyvyvyLVCHVyvvhvlFEYVU....." Legolas mumbled something incoherent under his breath! 

"What did you say Legolas?" 

"I said 'Ooh ee ooh ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang!'" 

"Where the heck did you learn that?" 

"Elrond used to sing it all the time!" 

"OK then...." 

The pair walked over to Aragorn and roused him. While he tended to Pippin (who screamed a lot because the antiseptic in Aragorn's travel first aid kit stung), Legolas woke the others and Boromir cooked breakfast. 

After a subdued breakfast (Pippin wasn't talking to Aragorn because of the attack of the antiseptic wipes, and the rest of the Fellowship just kept dozing in their porridge), the companions sat in a Girl Guide stylee pow wow and discussed the events of the previous night. 

"I remember everything going dark, and then my light sabre switched itself on (meaning that Sting started to glow), and then I fell over." Said Frodo. 

"Yeah I know you did Master Frodo - it was my foot you tripped over while running around screaming "I'm going to dieeeeeeee........" and looking for your teddy." Said Sam disgruntledly whilst attempting to remove bits of bacon from his hair. 

"Yeah well..... I, I got scared!" 

"OK everybody! This is a discussion to try and work out exactly what happened last night - we don't need the bizarre details of Frodo's regression into childhood!" Aragorn said, sitting up straight and trying his best to look authoritative. "Now. This is my estimate of what happened: The darkness was implemented artificially by Saruman, so that his orcs could launch a surprise attack. This succeeded, but we won, because we're better than them. But then another spell was launched at us which disposed of any remaining orcs and caused us all to lose consciousness. However, whatever Saruman was attempting to do failed because he doesn't have the ring, and we're all still alive." 

"That's a lot of long words for this time in the morning Strider. I'm very proud!" said Merry. 

"I thought I'd better practice for when I get to be king of all Middle Earth!" 

"Uh, Aragorn," said Boromir, "You do know that you only get to rule Gondor don't you?!" 

"Gondor, Middle Earth - same difference...." replied Aragorn. But he did sound disappointed. 

Suddenly there was another loud crash as Frodo sat up, causing the plates on his lap to fall to the ground. He looked upset. 

"OK, you guys, there's no need to panic, but - THEY TOOK THE RING!!!!!!!!!!" 

"WHAT?" said Gimli (for the same reason that Boromir got this line in C2! :) ) 

"Frodo." said Gandalf, "The ring's round your neck." 

"Let me rephrase it then - THEY TOOK MY RING!!!!!!!!!" 

"What the hell are you on about?" said Legolas. 

"My ring. My really cool imitation 'One ring of power' that I got in Bree. They took it!" 

"So that's how you became invisible without the Ringwraiths discovering you!" said Gimli. 

"What and you hadn't already figured that?" replied Frodo. 

"Well, I had my suspicions but....... OK so I'm a stupid ugly dwarf, with frizzy hair. Why do you always pick on me? Huh. Just cos I've not got beautiful hair like Legolas, doesn't mean I'm not a nice person too." 

"But we love you Gimli (see a/n in chap 2). Even with your ummm unique hair!" said Sam. 

"Yeah!! And if you have any more problems like this you know you can talk to us about them!" said Legolas, "Oh, and don't feel bad about the hair - I'm just special - OW!" he said as Pippin stamped on his foot. 

"Well the truth is..............." said Gimli, and with that he proceeded to talk all day, occasionally bursting into noisy tears. 

"You know what," said Gandalf, "I wish we'd never said anything now!" 

A/N. So..... you like? You want more?! Please review and tell me what you think. I need feedback people! Rachel ;) 


	4. Hey - the guy's got problems!

Chapter 4 - Can we hire a professional?

Disclaimer - I still don't own LotR, or Elijah Wood (sob)! But I am responsible for the mad crazy people who aren't Tolkein characters in this chapter!! Sorry! 

Gimli was depressed. He was a dwarf, he had bad hair, and he had spent the last day and a half pouring his heart out and feeling like a total prat. 'Nobody loves me, everybody hates me - guess I'll go and eat worms! What more could go wrong?' he thought. Plenty of course! 

As they walked through the Mines of Moria, Frodo became aware that something, or someone, was following the Fellowship. 

"Can you hear that?" he asked Legolas. 

"Yep. Just ignore them and they'll go away. And if you do happen to look back - whatever you do, DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!!!" 

"Why?" said Frodo, "What are they?" 

"God, you're thick! They're the most evil, horrible, foul creatures in Middle Earth, they make orcs look as handsome as, well - me, and they're the worst thing you're ever likely to meet. They're possessed, obsessed, and ..... ugly!" 

"Yeah, but what are they?" 

"They're 'fan girls' Frodo!" said Legolas in a hushed voice. 

"Not 'fan girls'!!!!" said Frodo in between fits of laughter. 

"Don't laugh at me Frodo," said Legolas, shuddering, "Once, I got cornered by a load of them and....... No - I can't tell you, it's too traumatic..... Actually, you need to be prepared in case they come closer! Once, I got cornered by them and - they ruffled my hair, kissed me with their horrible fluorescent lipstick mouths and screamed a lot!" 

"That sounds very scary Leggy. But what the heck is lipstick?" said Frodo, bewildered. 

"Hobbits!" said Legolas, "They just don't get anything! And if I hear you call me Leggy one more time I'll throw you to the fan girls and then you'll wish that you weren't so darned cute and hobbity!" 

"Is that supposed to be a threat!?" 

"Yes - they'd rip you to pieces because you're cute, now go do what you normally do and fall over!" 

"Elves," Gimli muttered under his breath as he watched Legolas and Frodo discuss fan girls. "They just don't know when they're onto a good thing do they?! What I wouldn't give to have a fan girl. But nooooo, they all go for elf boy with his frizz free hair, or the hobbits because of their short and cute novelty value thing, or for Strider just because they 'like a bit of rough'. They'd never love a dwarf. No one can love a dwarf. No one. I'm all alone in the big bad world......." 

"What's the matter Gimli?" said Sam who had been walking behind him hearing his bizarre mutterings. "Do you want to talk about it?" 

"You just don't get it, do you - stupid little halfling with hairy feet. I'm all alone. Nobody loves me. I want to go home." 

"Don't cry Gimli. After Moria, we're going to Loth... Loth... the place with the cool golden trees, lots of Legolas-a-likes, and the Lady with the magic mirror! Gandalf said something about an excellent counselling service there - although how he knows I'm not sure, but -" 

"OK, I get the picture Samwise. I'll go see Lady Galadrial of Lothlorien. Now get off my back, I want to sulk in peace!" 

It took the Fellowship three days to reach the far side of Moria. They had battled orcs on the way, which had made Gimli feel better because he had found someone who was uglier than he was. But then they had come across the tomb of one of Gimli's relatives.... and so the depression of the dwarf continued. 

It was as the Fellowship neared the really narrow bridge that you have to cross to reach the exit that Gandalf stopped. 

"There's a balrog about....." he whispered. 

"Cool!" said Pippin. "Can we kill it?" 

"No you idiot - it's not something that you can kill with a knife!" said Merry knowledgeably. 

"Well, what is it then?" 

"I dunno. I fell asleep at that point in the lecture Elrond gave. Actually, no I didn't - I realised it was time for second breakfast and snuck out!" 

"Ooooh - you're a bad little hobbit aren't you!" 

"Did you not hear me?!" said Gandalf, "I said that there's a balrog about!!!" 

"So go and kill it then, oh great and powerful wizard," said Boromir. 

Gandalf strode off into the next room to tackle the balrog while the others settled down for some lunch. Half an hour later, Gandalf returned. Legolas looked guilty. 

"Ummm... I'm really sorry Gandalf but we kind of ate your dinner, because you took so long and we thought you'd gone without us, or something like that." 

"Great!" said Gandalf, in a really fed up voice, " so now I not only feel really drained because none of you are magically brilliant enough to destroy a balrog, but I also have no dinner!" 

"Gandalf..." said Aragorn, "How did you kill the balrog exactly?" 

"Same way you always do," Gandalf replied "Chuck some water on it!" 

"Oh....." 

Five minutes later, the Fellowship had reached the bridge. Gandalf went last - in case there were any more dangerous creatures about. 

"Legolas, it's taken you ten minutes to move three metres. Why the hell are you going so slowly?" 

"It's really windy and I don't want to ruin my hair!" 

"I don't give a damn about your hair!! It's stupid anyway, all girly and blonde and far more trouble than it's worth.!" 

"Uh, Gandalf," said Frodo, "I don't think you should have said that!" 

Gandalf turned around just in time to see the hoard of fan girls rushed over to attack him. They hurled a few vicious insults at him before flinging him into the abyss. 

"Oh my God," said Pippin, "Our leader's gone!!!!! What on Middle Earth are we going to do without him??!!!" 

"Party!" said Gimli, "I never liked him much anyway. He got more fan girls than I did - even though he was really ugly!" 

"Yeah," said Aragorn, looking quite subdued, "But it was the attraction of the magic that got the girls - no other reason..." 

"You're right. Now let's go! I've got an appointment with the Lady of the Wood in precisely 25 hours, and I've heard she doesn't tolerate lateness!" 

How will the Fellowship manage without Gandalf? Will Gimli ever recover his self esteem? And will Legolas ever escape the dreaded fan girls? Keep reviewing and I'll tell you! 

Thank you for all my wonderful reviews! You lovely people have made my week! 


	5. And the Madness continues!

Chapter 5 - It's purely therapeutic - honest!

Disclaimer - As I'm sure you've already figured, I don't own LotR, or an awful lot else in this story. I do however own quite a selection of Elijah Wood pics, a few cool CDs, and three well thumbed LotR books! 

This chapter is for Anna so she doesn't make me feel bad for not writing her in! See reviews if you want to know what that's all about. AC 4 OB! (We're still on for the double wedding right Anna?!) :) xxx 

After the departure of Gandalf, due to the mad crazy, Legolas obsessed, fan girls (A/N are you sure you're not already in this story Anna?!), the Fellowship left the Mines of Moria, and headed towards Lothlorien to visit Lady Galadrial and her counselling group. At this point in the journey this was very, very, very necessary, because they were all going ever so slightly insane: Gimli was still depressed, Boromir had started to be schizophrenic - one minute he was fine, next minute he was power crazy! (He had also become obsessed with jewellery, saying, "When I rule Minas Tirith I'm gonna make my own magical sparkly thing!") Legolas had run out of frizz ease and so was suffering greatly, and the hobbits just kept treading on sharp objects and falling over. Basically the Fellowship needed help. But hey! who wouldn't after a long journey with only each other for company! 

"Are we nearly there yet???" said Merry for the sixth time in three minutes. 

"Yeah," said Pippin, "We've been walking for hours, my feet hurt, I haven't had a meal for days, and I need the toilet!!!!" 

"Look you two." said Aragorn, "Sort yourselves out! We're not there yet - if we were we wouldn't be walking still. We set out from the Mirrormere area half an hour ago, so we've not even been walking for one hour, let alone hours. If your feet hurt you should wear shoes like normal people, we ate just before we left, and if you need the loo there's a tree there!" 

"You're just bitter," said Pippin, "because Arwen didn't want to head out to Lothlorien to visit you!" 

"So what if I am! At least I'm not a midget with hairy feet!" 

"What has that got to do with anything?" said Legolas, butting in. 

"Plenty Legless! Oh, and I forgot to tell you - you've got a split end there!" 

"WHAT????????!!! Oh my God, I don't know what I'm going to do?!?! I can't go to Lothlorien like this. The elves there'll never let me live it down! Oh what can I do??" 

"You could always wear a hat!" said Frodo, who had been observing the scene with much amusement. 

"Or," said Gimli, "You could let me cut it off with my axe. I might even be able to do something about that spot on your nose too!" 

"What is this - be mean to Legolas day??" said Legolas after checking to see that there was no spot. 

"No," said Gimli, "I'm just a bitter, ugly dwarf....... and nobody loves me. I'm all alone in the world....." 

"Oh get over yourself," said Boromir, "and that goes to you to elfy! I've never seen someone so vain in my entire life!" 

"I have," said Aragorn, "My father in law to be - Elrond!" 

"Yeah well it's obvious that it didn't rub off on you isn't it!" snapped back Boromir. 

"All right you lot! Will you just all SHUT UP - except you Master Frodo, you haven't done anything!" said Sam, "I know it's been a long and tiring journey since Rivendell, but we're nearly at the golden wood place now, and when we get there we can rest and talk to other people! And," he added under his breath, "You can all pay a visit to the funny farm!" 

Three long, silent, hours later, the Fellowship finally reached the borders of Lothlorien. They were led through the wood by some suspicious looking elves, who insisted that they all be blindfolded so that they didn't see anything unsuitable (such as the elves sneaking off every now and then to smoke pipeweed!). Eventually they reached the tree house where the Lady Galadrial and her hubby lived. 

"Ummmm... do we have to go up there?" said Sam. 

"Yes," said Elf #1, "It's where the Lady of the Wood lives." 

"Can't she come down to see us?" Sam asked. 

"No! She's Queen and she says that you have to go and see her!" 

"But I don't like heights!" 

"Tough!" 

"Mean! Don't think that you'll get your present now!" 

"You've got presents!?" 

"Yeah! We brought you the letters given to us by the fan girls. We thought that you could answer them seeing as you'll never get any of your own!" 

Meanwhile, while Sam and Elf #1 were arguing, the others were ascending up to the tree house. By lift! 

"Do you like it?!" said their escort, Elf #2, "We only got it fitted a few weeks ago. Gandalf got it for us last time he came!" 

"Yeah. About Gandalf," said Aragorn, "He insulted Legolas, so the fan girls threw him into an abyss in Moria." 

"Oh." 

"Yes. Do you want to tell Galadrial or shall I?" 

"I think I'd better," said the elf, "She might shout at you." 

"Good thought. She's Arwen's grandmother as well, so I don't really want to get on her bad side!" 

Later that evening......... 

"Master Frodo, it's so nice to see you again. I thought that something had happened to you - you'd been gone so long!" 

"Uh, Gimli," said Frodo. "I'd only been gone five minutes, and I want you to know that, although I'm really glad you got your issues sorted in counselling, I think I preferred the depressed Gimli better!" 

"I'm so happy for you Frodo. But I think that you're telling the wrong person. The wondrous Lady Galadrial is much better at this than I am!" 

"Scary!" Frodo muttered under his breath. 

"Frodo, one of the first signs of madness is talking to yourself! You do know that don't you?!" 

"Whatever." said Frodo, before traipsing off to find Pippin and get some intelligent conversation! 

In another part of the wood..... 

"You see," said Boromir to Random Elf Guy and Galadrial, "it's like I become a whole different person. I'll be wondering along, minding my own business, when suddenly the topic of destroying the ring comes up, and BAM! I become this evil power mad loon." 

"And how does this make you feel?" said Galadrial. 

"I just feel horrible, like some kind of traitor....." He paused. "Hey, is that a ring of power on your finger, oh great and powerful Galadrial?! Can I have it? No. Why am I asking! Give it to me you evil woman. I want to take over Middle Earth with it and make men the most powerful and important race in all eternity!" 

"Boromir," said Random Elf Guy. "It's a plastic ring!" 

"Oh. You can keep it then!" 

"We were testing you." said Galadrial, with an evil glint in her eyes. "We wanted to see how you'd react." 

"Oooh! How'd I do?" 

"You failed. Miserably!" 

"Oh. I'll just go then." 

"Yes I think you'd better. You're a danger to yourself! The ring will be your downfall Boromir! Beware!" 

"Yeah well," said Boromir, "It's better than being attacked by fan girls!" 

"Did you have to mention that?" said Random Elf Guy as the Lady burst into tears. "The memory is still too painful for her!" 

"But she wasn't even there!" 

Sorry - bizarre chapter! But it is nearly midnight! 

Coming up next chapter - the Fellowship continue their adventures in Lothlorien, before moving on along the river. How shall I dispose of Boromir? Please review and send suggestions! 


	6. Attack of the rabid fan girls - Lothlori...

Chapter 6 - I knew we shouldn't have gone there!

Disclaimer - Unfortunately for poor little me I still don't own any of the characters (not even the fan girls!). However I do own a few pieces of paper on which I wrote the rough draft! 

This chapter is for Chris who provided the inspiration (in a roundabout way) for Galadrial's task! Cheers! Oh and good luck with you know what! xxx 

For anyone who's interested, Chris wrote his own version of C6 - if you want to read it please send your name and address on a stamped addressed envelope to............. 

Or you could just write a review! 

"It has been said that the Golden Wood is a place where no evil can exist," said Frodo to Legolas as they rested in one of the tree houses that had been provided for the Fellowship as temporary accommodation. "But that was before Gimli became corrupted and.... cheerful. It's creepy. I don't like it!" 

"Yeah I know what you're saying hobbit boy. Lothlorien has gone down in my estimation too since I found out that they don't sell Frizz Ease (Ooops - I don't own this either!). I NEED some NOW!!!!" 

"You know," said Frodo, "We've been here for a week now. I think we could leave to continue our quest without appearing rude." 

"Well we could," said Legolas, "But we have to go somewhere first - With Galadrial." 

"Where?" 

"I'm not allowed to tell you. It's a secret." replied Legolas before adding proudly, "I'm the only one she trusted enough to tell!" 

"Well aren't you the lucky one. I bet it's not that exciting anyway!" 

"Is too! It's - now that would be telling!" 

"Mean!" 

"Well... like you said, 'It's not that exciting anyway!'" 

"I didn't mean it," said Frodo, "I was trying to get you to tell me you, you fool of an elf!" 

"It's 'Took' Frodo," said Pippin, suddenly appearing from the top of the stairs that led up to the tree house. "Not 'elf'', not 'Greenleaf', 'TOOK'!!! Get it right!" 

"Fine!" said Frodo, "Fool of a Took! Pippin. Happy?!" 

"Very!" 

"Now, what did you want?" 

"The Lady Galadrial told Aragorn to tell Boromir to tell Gimli to tell Merry to tell Sam to tell me to tell you two that we have to meet her at the gates in ten minutes for our training!" 

"And what training would that be Pip?" 

"The super hard, super gruelling, super tough army training Frodo. No pass = no escape from Lothlorien. Ever!" he added ominously. 

"I hope Gimli fails!" said Legolas. 

"Me too," said Pippin, "He's really getting irritating now!" 

Ten minutes later, the Fellowship was assembled at the gates of Lothlorien awaiting Lady Galadrial. She arrived after a few minutes, followed by her servants - who were accompanied by 8 figures, blindfolded and chained in cages. 

"I see you all came," said Galadrial. "Now. Today you are going to be trained in survival and army techniques. 'How' I hear you all ask." 

"How?" said the Fellowship half-heartedly! 

"It's quite simple really. Here are set up three assault courses - 1 for hobbits, 1 for dwarves, and 1 for men and elves. Aside from the height they are all the same. You have to complete these assault courses." 

"I thought you said it was 'super hard'?!" said Boromir, interrupting. 

"If you'd let me finish," said Galadrial, "There's more - and this is it... You have to complete these assault courses - whilst being pursued by....... fan girls!!!!" 

"Aiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!" Legolas screamed, "Not fan girls. Anything but fan girls!!!!!" He looked genuinely terrified! 

"Yes!" said Galadrial, "I have one fan girl for each of you, and they obsessed and extremely deprived of their Fellowship 'cut out and keep' guides! So go slowly at your own peril! Is that clear!?" 

"Yes." said the Fellowship. 

"I said IS THAT CLEAR?"  
"YES!" 

"Good. Now go to your starting points. And........ GO" 

So they went, and after 30 seconds so did the fan girls. However, with Galadrial nothing was ever simple, and so not only were the Fellowship being pursued by crazed fan girls on a really, really long (and I mean long) assault course, but they were also being haunted by their own individual weaknesses. 

For the hobbits there were patches of mushrooms and carrots just aside from the course, for Gimli and Boromir there were gems and gold and lots and lots of rings, for Aragorn there were Arwen pictures strewn about! All very difficult to resist! But it was for Legolas that the biggest challenge was imposed! All alongside his part of the course were hairbrushes, mirrors and jumbo sized, mega strength bottles of Frizz Ease!!! It was all he could do to keep looking straight ahead! 

Eventually, as all things must, the courses came to an end. The fan girls, distraught that they had been able to catch their prey, threw great tantrums before being led into their great mithril cages, and locked very securely in. 

The Fellowship cheered! They were safe! They were alive! They were free from Lothlorien! They could go on to meet their doom at Mount Doom! 

"Hang on, hang on!" said Merry, "We don't wanna go to Mount Doom. Can we do the assault course again, fail, and stay in Lothlorien forever?" 

"What with fan girls for company??????!!!!!" said Legolas. "Not bloody likely. I'd rather go and have second breakfast with Sauron himself than face an eternity with demonic fan girls!" 

"Mmmmmmmmm.... second breakfast...." said all four hobbits. 

"Hey Galadrial!" said Aragorn suddenly, "Can we go and get the things placed oh so carefully and strategically on the assault course to tempt us now?????" 

"Well, I was planning to keep them just to annoy you - but yeah, why not!" 

At that moment the earth seemed to shake and several mallorn leaves fell to the ground as the Fellowship rushed to retrieve their 'gifts'. 

Later that day........ 

"Well, it was nice to meet you oh wondrous Lady of the Golden Wood whose name I still can't pronounce!" said Sam. 

"You're very welcome Master Samwise," said Galadrial, "I hope that we will meet again someday. Now!" she said, turning to face the rest of the Fellowship. "I have prepared some boats and some special garments for you - a gesture that you should feel extremely honoured by, because I don't sew for just anybody! I also have a gift for each of you!" 

"Oooh pressies!!!" said Aragorn! "Did Arwen send me anything?! Huh? Did she? Did she!!!" 

"No, sorry Elfstone." 

"Oh well, at least I got some piccies!" 

"Anyway...." said Galadrial, "These are your gifts: For Aragorn - some shampoo; for Boromir - an impenetrable, super strong vest. If my mirror is accurate then you might need it! For Legolas - a little light reading "How to escape raging fan girls!" by Elrond; for Samwise - a little bit of earth and a few pansy seeds. I didn't want to give you anything good because you're unlikely to survive!" 

"What???!!!!" said Sam, bursting into tears. 

"Yeah well....." said Galadrial, "Moving on! For Meriadoc and Peregrin - some mushroom flavoured air freshener - you might need it when you get captured by orcs and are beyond all hope...." Merry and Pippin's faces dropped at this. 

"What!?" said Merry. 

"Couldn't you at least have given us real mushrooms?" said Pippin. 

Galadrial chose to ignore these comments and carried on with the gift giving. 

"For Frodo - a pop up map of Middle Earth and a torch; and for Gimli - my personal favourite, "Banish your inner demons!" a self help book by...." she paused dramatically.... "ME! Now off to the river with you!" 

So.... what does anybody think?? Sorry for the really, really long delay between chapters, I've had a lot of homework to do! Still haven't figured out how to kill Boromir......... I'm waiting - you know what to do! 

:) Rachel xxx 


	7. It's all coming out now!

Chapter 7 - So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye!

Disclaimer - I still don't own an awful lot of this story, or the characters, or any of Legolas' hair products. Hey, I don't even own the piece of paper I wrote the rough draft on (in history earlier today!)! But I still own the plot, and a handful of reviews! 

"Row, row, row the boat, gently down the stream! 

Merrily, merrily, merrily -" 

"MERRY!!!" said Aragorn, "Will you just SHUT UP!! We've been on the river for three days now, and sure the song was fine the first time - but do you have to sing it every five minutes?????" 

"I'm sorry!" said Merry, "Did I offend you? I didn't mean to - I just.... got bored!" 

"Yeah.... well don't do it again!" 

"OK!" 

Five minutes later........ 

"Row, row, row the boat, gently down the stream!" 

"MERRY!!!!!!" Yelled the rest of the Fellowship, before Boromir chucked him in the river! 

"That's really horrible Boromir," said Sam, "You don't know what's in that river - aside from lots and lots of water that is!" 

"Yeah well - you wanna follow him in to find out?" 

"No...... I can't swim. I shudder at the thought." 

"Is anyone gonna help Merry back into the boat?" said Gimli as they watched Merry struggle onto a log. He could swim, but was no match for the river really. 

"Nah," said Boromir, "We'll leave him - teach him for singing that irritating song over and over again...... OK, I'll get him! You moor the boats on the bank here." 

Boromir leapt into the water and dragged Merry by the hair (screaming of course) to the side of the river. He hoisted him onto the bank and then climbed up himself. Merry shook himself in order to get rid of half the river, and proceeded to soak the rest of the Fellowship in the process. So they lit a campfire to get warm and dry and sat around it singing songs and eating s'mores (don't ask where they got the ingredients!). 

Several rowdy hours later, the Fellowship finally decided to go to bed. 

"Frodo," said Aragorn, "Doesn't it seem a little...... quiet....... to you? I mean we saw orcs a couple of days ago and certainly didn't slay them all - where are they?" 

"I know what you mean," said Frodo, "These are orcs, and though they don't know why they're after us, they wouldn't give up that easily. And we've not exactly kept our location quiet tonight - we might as well have been holding up huge neon signs saying 'we are here, we have the one ring, come and get us!'" 

"Especially with Pippin singing '10 ugly orcs, sitting on the wall 

10 ugly orcs, hope they all will fall' at the top of his voice, over and over again. It made me think 'sing the boat song again Merry - all is forgiven!" 

"Hmmmm..... we'll just have to see what happens then!" 

Early next morning...... 

Boromir tried to take the ring from Frodo. He failed - having conveniently forgotten that it turned the wearer invisible when they put it on, which is of course what Frodo did when Boromir lunged at him with that strange look in his eyes. 'Of course,' Frodo had mused afterwards, 'that could have been for something else......' (A/N only joking - this is most definitely NOT a slash!) 

After that, Frodo ran off and stood at the top of a metre high ledge debating whether or not to jump off and end it all. As you can probably guess, being intelligent folk and all (no comment!), he did jump - but of course he didn't hurt himself. He had forgotten that, as a hobbit, he was really incredibly resilient. 

Anyway, back to Boromir. Bitterly disappointed with his failure to obtain the ring, he ran back to find the other hobbits (don't ask any questions and I won't answer with any lies!). Unfortunately, at least for Boromir, the orcs in the nearby bushes had heard the merriment of the night before and decided that now would be the perfect time to attack: with their newly acquired secret weapons! 

"You ready girls?" grunted Big Scary Orc, the captain of Sauron's lot. 

"Uh huh! And if one of us catches that adorable lickle Legolas are we allowed to keep him or do we have to hand him over like the rest of them?" 

"You hand him over!" said Fat Ugly Orc, the second in command. 

"OK!" said Big Scary Orc, "And remember - do NOT hurt or attempt to molest the hobbits. We want them whole, alive, and with every single one of their garments. Do this, and the elf's yours!" 

And so the orcs and the fan girls (if you hadn't already guessed) attacked. Merry and Pippin were captured, Sam and Frodo ran off, and so it was left to Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn and Boromir to fight. 

Boromir, however, was a naughty boy, and hadn't put his impenetrable vest on that morning ("It was hot!" he had protested!). So when he pulled Legolas out of the way by his hair - messing it up and getting muck in it, the arrows of the fan girls went into him like pins in a pincushion. But! If that wasn't painful enough, Boromir took half an hour to die (chatting to Aragorn the whole time about how he had let them down!!)!! 

Thus the Fellowship of the ring ended. Boromir was dead and got put in a boat and sent off down the river, Merry and Pippin had been captured by Saruman's lot (Sauron's lot were too busy distracting the fan girls from the sight of an angry Legolas), Frodo and Sam had gone on to throw the ring away by themselves, and the others were undecided at the time of going to press. 

"So," said Legolas, "what do we do now?" 

"Onwards, I suppose," said Aragorn, "Merry and Pip need us. I've heard that Saruman's lot like listening to Britney Spears - we can't let them be subjected to that!" 

"Why not?" said Gimli, "They subjected us to worse evils - their singing for one!" 

"Yeah but....... Britney's worse. We ought to go after them." 

"Well come on then!" said Legolas, "To Rohan!" 

"Yeah!" 

Thanks again for everyone's lovely reviews! This is the end for the moment. :( 

But no worries, I will be back with The Two Towers soon! Do you want me to put it in this story or in a brand new one? I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't read it yet! Send your suggestions in now! 

Rachel :) xxx 


	8. Why friends should never be allowed to i...

Disclaimer - I (Rachel - the host of this story by my insane friend Chris, it's actually a chapter of "Why Hobbits should come with a health warning!") do not claim to own any of the characters, places, registered trade marks or Legolas's shampoo. I am not Tolkien, surprise surprise, and I am in no way associated with New Line productions. So now you know! 

"Where's my Herbal Essences?" Legolas screamed frantically, rummaging through his pack. 

"Oh, I saw Boromir with it earlier," said Pippin with a mouth full of mushrooms he had found. 

"WHAT??!!" Legolas surged to his feet, "WHERE IS HE? HOW DARE HE!!" 

"Chill out man," groaned Sam. 

"Yer, have a drag on this." said Gimli, offering a pipe to Legolas, who promptly batted it from the dwarf's hand. 

"I don't want any of that horrible poo!" Legolas's voice had dropped from a high pitched whine to a cold, low, husky tone. "Where - is - he??" The now evil looking elf asked. 

"Who?" asked Frodo, who then proceeded to trip over his own feet and fall on his own sword. 

"I *hic* think he's by the *burp* stream, he he he he!" stammered Merry, who seemed to have found Pippin's secret stash of Bud Light. 

"Legolas Greenleaf, I........" started Gandalf, but Legolas was gone! 

"Oh pants!" said Aragorn, "He seemed really miffed. Never mind - pass the pipeweed!" 

"Ah! Thash better!" said Boromir, flicking his hair as he had so often seen Legolas do. "If I don't get any fangirls now, I don't know what to do!!!" 

Legolas crouched in the bushes 200m away. He scanned the scene with his hawk like vision and breathed a sigh of relief as he spotted his bottle of Herbal Essences by Boromir's pack. But no! It was empty! Legolas saw red! 

He selected his finest arrow: black shafted with the sharpest head and smoothest flights. He drew it slowly and notched it to his bow string. 

Boromir sniffed the air. "What is that smell?" 

Legolas suddenly realised he was upwind from Boromir, and his channel was drifting towards him. Too late Boromir sensed danger and jumped to his feet drawing his sword. Legolas drew and let fly his arrow - it slashed through the air, punching the horn of Gondor Boromir had held to his lips, and flew straight into his face. Boromir dropped dead. 


End file.
